Dreams and new directions... :)

So I've been thinking... If someone was so to ask me what it was that I wanted to do, what would I see myself doing? Honestly, a 9-5 behind a desk just wont cut it for me... I have been there, done that, and am back to it. I do it because I have to, but that's all really...

I see myself, living by the water somewhere... Running a little cafe, having the time to read, the time to paint, have music running all the time, have my dog there... :) Meet new people coming in and coming by all the time. Taking a walk, meditating, meeting new people, having my friends over... :) all the good things really :) Fingers crossed I get this one day. I really hope and pray this happens. Live there, far far away from all the issue of city life, lead a simpler and happier life! The complexities here really don't impress me much... And by here I mean in big cities. It takes courage in today's day and age to say goodbye to a well paying job and take a risk to do what I want to do... And if I were ever given this opportunity, I think I will take it on...

Anyway, here is to my dreams... and the image stuck in my head... :)

Brighter days... :)

You know in your heart... when you have seen bad times, low moods, dingy corners of your own self, and made it out safe and alive and feeling better, that there is nothing more/better than being hopeful! It really pulls you through! :)

When everyone tries everything in their power to make things a little bit worse or hard for you, and you see yourself stand though it all... (yes there may have been times when you were a little shaky) but overall came out standing tall... Its a brilliant feeling...

Live life to the fullest. Never look back and NEVER regret a thing... I know I don't! Also, look back and make sure you did everything in your power that you wanted to do in situations you found yourself in. And when you've done all you can and things still don't go your way... Know that there is better in store for you. Or maybe just the time wasn't right for what you wanted... Have faith in life and the course it takes... At the time it might seem like you're living a tragedy, but when you look back its a wonderful feeling. The learning about others, yourself, your emotions... there is nothing that can match up to it.

I know that if I drop dead tomorrow, I have no regrets! God has been kind enough to give me a loving family, some great friends, some not, loads of learning and experiences that make me realize how far ahead of a lot of people i am.. evolved in my thinking that I am actually! Truly blessed! For all of those who feel like I have no clue or I have a long way to go... Yes I have a long way to go, but for most of those who think this about me, I am sure they haven't covered my distance yet! :) Only my family will get what I'm saying right now! :)

ANyhow... point of this post... Everyone makes choices and decisions in life... And I've made some recent ones. Time to move on, change course, new directions is around the corner... and I wait for them with a smile and arms wide open! :)

Here's to brighter days and back to the goodness of life in all its simplicity! :)

MUSIC: Brings alive my soul!

I know this fact, have always known it... yet lately it hadn't been playing the same important role it had in my life earlier... MUSIC, makes my soul and me feel alive...

I was one who constantly had music playing. Had an iPod running all the time. Earphones or speakers or on my laptop. Life was just happier then. When a friend of mine who really knows me, first realised that there was no music as soon as I woke up in the morning, she straight away picked up on the fact that there were some things bothering me in life... This is what true friends are. They know you in and out without having to say a word ... !

ANyway, not to digress from the point. Music makes me feel alive. There is nothing that can work better on changing my mood or making me feel better the way that music does it for me. It exports me to a world of my own in a matter of seconds. Thank the lord for that. As we grow old, the realities of life have a way of bringing us down. And we need to have that something that brings us out and helps us deal with them and let us be the happy souls we are meant to be. And spread the joy... :)

I remember one time at a friends house, I had gone for dinner and wasn't really feeling very well. They were all watching a footy match and I was lying on a bean bag DEAD as hell. The minute the match finished, someone put on some music and five minutes into that, I was up and dancing! When the evening came to an end, rather when the music stopped at around dinner time, it took a matter of seconds for my body to go back to feeling like hell! I was back to being ill, with my fever and aches and pains back with a bang! LOL

In short, thank god for my music, my ipod because I really don't know how I'd manage a few situations in life and where I'd get my rest and strength from otherwise... For all those who know me, thank you and I love you for knowing me... :) and worry not, MUSIC IS BACK TO STAY... with a bang! :)

Out of sight, out of mind? If only it were THAT easy!

Out of sight is supposed to be out of mind... isn't it? You'd think... I'd like to say... YA RIGHT!


Gazing at the ceiling of a pitch black room,
Thinking of you kind of takes away the gloom,
But not knowing or feeling what we did before,
Makes me yearn for it more and more.

Not saying I want things to move at a fast pace,
But I hope for you, I have not been replaced,
Not that I doubt you for a second,
But a few kind words and some comfort wouldn't hurt, you reckon?
I miss the times we snuck in a kiss,
With the thrill of being caught, which I kind of miss.
Keeping an eye on each other and doing small things,
That mattered so much, that my heart, with joy, rings!
That one touch of your arm, or a gentle hug,
Is all that I need, to not be smug,
With everything around, its hard you see,
To be normal and not be able to react as me!
Think of me and be kind,
Know that you are the only one who is always on my mind,
I don't know what you have going on,
But believe me I'm waiting for this storm to pass and move on...
I have a dream and a will to push,
My own life and all that comes along, the rush,
Nothing can break my faith and strength at all,
Just a little show of support though, can make me go through a wall! :)
You have your own battles to fight,
I'm going to be standing there, in your line of sight,
No matter what, no matter where,
Whenever you think of me, need me, I'll always be there.

Gazing at the ceiling of a pitch black room,
Thinking of you kind of takes away the gloom,
But not knowing or feeling what we did before,
Makes me yearn for it more and more.

Lyrics ... that were kinda a reminder slap in the face for me! :)

We all go about holding onto things in our lives... We are ALL hoarders in some form or the other. We hold on to material belongings, emotional attachments and anything and everything we can find. Yes, it IS natural for this to happen, we are human! But we need to understand that knowing the reality and accepting it, helps us understand and accept our lives better. No matter what the situation, as many curveballs that come our way, or lemons get thrown our way... Understand one statement, 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS'! Whether good or bad, everything dies.

Here are the lyrics to this song which I think is fabulous by the way... enjoy and find the link to the song below too!

Na bandho zor se mutthi main, zindagi raet hai, phisal jayegi...
Kabr ke aur nahi to bata eh zindagi, kidhar jayei?
Jaise oase ke boondh hai kapti hui ghaas ke noke pe...
yeh zindagi bas ek hawa ke jhooke se bikhar hi jayegi...
Harne ko kuch nahi aur jeete ko padi hai yeh duniya,
Is se behtar ab koi aur baazi, phir na aayegi...
Yeh zindagu dariya ki mauj tinke se hasti apni,
Jaana chahe na chahe yeh le hi jaye, jidhar jayegi...
Na bandho zor se mutthi main, zindagi raet hai, phisal jayegi...
Kabr ke aur nahi to bata eh zindagi, kidhar jayei?

Song: http://soundcloud.com/pankajawasthi/ret-hai-zindagi?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook&utm_content=http%3A%2F%2Fsoundcloud.com%2Fpankajawasthi%2Fret-hai-zindagi

I lost my heart ... to you...

I lost my heart... to you...
Darling you know its true...

I have never in my life felt this blue...
All because I am far away from you...
So close yet so far...
A feeling I'd never wish for upon a star...
For you, me or anyone in this world...
Because an aching heart is the worst by far...
You know the truth in your heart...
And I can see it in your eyes...
We try to be fine whenever we are apart...
But as soon as we meet, we can see through the lies...
I think of you and smile...
But it has been a while...
Since you've held me in your arms so tight...
That my heart could jump a mile...

You Have to know I Love You, after all this time...
I'm just afraid because the truth is, my Heart is no longer mine...

Pictures say a thousand words

They say, pictures say a thousand words... Here are a few from me to you... :)

Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost...! :)

I've been putting up a brave face for a few things going on in my life currently! Not complaining at all, as god has been gracious enough to give me such a great life and I feel so very blessed. I look around and have a fabulous family, some gems as friends, a great job, loving caring guardian angels and so much more. Just that sometimes, when we're low on energies and our reserves, nothing can help us and stop us from breaking down. Yesterday was one such day for me.

I was sitting and questioning a lot of things, which I know I should not. I know everything will happen correctly and for the best, but my weaker side took over for a while. Questioning how and why I was the way I was. Why things affected me so much? Why I was surrounded by the world and yet had never felt so alone in my life? Why life had funny ways or turning things around? Why others cannot be as expressive or even a little expressive as I am? Why do we find it hard to be alone and be indifferent when we are born alone and we die alone? Why does what people do affect me so much even though I know I'm right? These are just a few of the zillion questions that came to my mind.

I cried myself to sleep as early at 730 post which I was woken up by a friend and my cousin. Cried a bit more, vented partially what was going on in my head. I don't even have the open hand to vent everything I want to. I only get to do that in the one hour I sit at the gurdwara! That too I don't vent really, just am grateful and thankful! Crying I guess is my form of release... Its hard, it aches, it kills most of the time yet its gotta be done.

At the question of why I let what others do affect me so much, why looking at others suffer or something makes me so sad, my cousins responded with a simple line... 'Maybe its a good thing. At least we know you're human!'

On a normal occasion I would have agreed, but lately, I've been doing this whole I'm strong act and telling myself I'm fine (which at most levels I am) that this time it didn't help. Where is my person who can be my shoulder? Where is someone for me who will be my strength? Where is that one person who will make me see the sun shine the next morning no matter how dark a night it has been... Anyway...

I have to admit, its great being surrounded by people who love you. God really has been kind. I have a few angels looking over me at all times, which helps me pull myself out of my low, weak moments.

I asked another cousin of mine why I was supposed to go through all of this hurt, and pain, and ache and still be the strong one and just keep going on faith of it being a brighter day tomorrow.... His response was so beautiful, I was smiling with tears rolling down my eyes! I love his view on the world and life! He really is god's blessed child. He said, "Imagine how a diamond is formed... things under the earth decay, then form carbon, then it turns into coal. Over the years with all the pressure and perseverance it becomes a Diamond. Imagine for a moment, what it might feel like in its initial years. Thinking why it must have to go through this shit... However, had it not gone through all of that, it would have only been normal coal."

What more does one say to that? NOTHING! Just nothing...

There is one more line that comes to my mind which I hear a friend say to me every now and again which I will close with. This is not just for me and to remind myself of this truth, but also certain few people who are very near and dear to me. Hope this makes sense and gives you the strength to do the right things for your own self. No matter how hard it may seem, and how weak you may think you are. Surround yourself with people who are truly your friends and know you well, you don't have to do anything alone.

"Hamari filmon ki tarah, hamari life mein bhi end mein sab theek ho jaata hai, aur agar nahin hua hai, to picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!"

Where you really belong...

How I like the rain,
Its where I can hide my pain,
Under the streams of raindrops,
How easily they cover my teardrops...

No one will ever know,
Cause I won't let it show,
How you affect me so,
And day by day these feelings grow...

I love you ever so much,
And darling its time for me to let you go,
For there is a path he needs to show,
Which you need to walk on and grow...

We who burn in love,
Will never be at peace,
But look to me for strength,
And put your heart at ease...

I can't stop this feeling,
Deep inside of me,
No one will know or realise,
What you do to me...

I've done the right thing to do,
Now its your turn to do the same, and not be blue...
Make the right choices and we'll all be there for you,
God forbid you slip and fall, which in the past you've been known to do.

Its a test of strength,
A question of right and wrong,
I love you with all my heart,
And you know that is where you really belong!

Situations and directions...

Mera dil jiske liye jag utha hai,
Kya woh mere khuda ka bheja hua hai?
Lagta to aysa hi woh, Bilkul mere jaisa,
Meri rooh main bas chuka hai...

Zameen aasmaan ka phark hote hue bhi,
Ek hone ka ehsaas hua hai,
Duniyan ki mushkilain samne aate hue bhi,
Aakhri manzil pe bharosa dilojaan se hua hai...

Kaiynaat saari cheezain mere saamne la rahi hai,
Mujhe har pal sahi rasta dikha rahi hai,
Jo lamhe ghabrahat main kho bhi jaate hai,
Woh bharpoor pyaar, himmat aur aitbaar se wapas dila rahi hai...

Mere bharose aur mere khuda ka yeh hai imtehaan,
Aage kya hoga, yeh rasta hai anjaan,
Magar aaj aur kal jeena hai befikar,
Kyuki humara rasta humare liye hoga mahaan...

Mujhe apne aap se nahi hai koi shiqwa,
Lekin tujhse hai ek gum,
Doosro ke baare main sochte sochte,
Kho diya hai tune apna makaam...

Har manzil chadni nahi hai zaroori,
Na hai paana har makaam,
Poocho unse joh tumhe chahte hai,
Kitna mushkil hai dekhna tumhe dukhi aur pareshaan...

Chup chaap apne aap main sama gaye ho,
Apna dard aur chot apne aap main mila rahe ho,
Apne dil aur chahne walo se baat tak nahi kari,
Yeh batao mujhe, yeh kar ke tum kya jatana chah rahe ho?

Sab na sahi, ek ya do log hai tumhare khaas,
Unse baat karo, taki unhe bhi hoye ehsaas,
Ki unka bhi koi hai jise chahiye sahara,
Woh bolta nahi hai kuch, taake lage na woh bechara...

Sach to yeh hai ki bolne se darta hai tu,
Kyu ki sachai aur sahi rasta hai samne,
Aur waha bikharta hai tu,
Janta hai ki sahi hai aur kya hai galat,
Par darta hai, nahi sudharta hai tu...

Aaj deti hun main ek mashora,
Apni dil ki sunno aur rab par karo bahrosa,
Galtiyan sab karke girte hai,
Jo utha hai, jaise uthta hai uske baad, woh hai sacha vijayata.

Apne aap ko na samajh himmatwaala,
Maddad mangne se ghabrata hai kyu?
Sahi raste kabhi nahi hote aasaan,
Darta hai, to upse akele kyu chalta hai tu?

Kabron pe mehel koi nahi banata,
Lekin kabron par bhi/mae bhi koi nahi hai rehta...
Yeh tere aur mere bare main nahi hai,
Yeh tera imtehaan hai, jo tu chahta nahi hai dena...

Khuda se hai mere dil kil dua,
Ki tujhe woh himmat de,
Taki chale befikar tu, Ho nidar tu,
Sahi kaaj aaj kar tu,
Aur apne bal pe vijay nikal tu...

Feeling safe... Feeling at peace... My safe place...!

I have had 6 night of no sleep... I have been walking around, going to work and living life more or less like a zombie this week. I happened to have 15 mins of peace and calm in the middle somewhere I feel safe and secure...
I felt the need to be there again so bad, but knew that it wasn't really going to happen. However, the universe was kind and heard me out...

Today I didn't get very much time, but whatever little time I got in my safe place, was enough to rejuvenate me. For the first time in 7 days... actually the second time in so many days, I was in a place, where I felt happy, peaceful, calm, safe and just ME. You know there are times when you feel like you 'belong' somewhere... A place which you can call your own, a place where you are happy, at peace with yourself and everything under the sun... And more than anything, a place where you're safe. Where you know nothing can get to you, hurt you, harm you... I've found my place... Unfortunately... I can't always call it mine, and I can't be there when I want just yet... BUT, the way I feel when I am there... I know that it is MY place and MINE alone! It will be mine soon enough! Whether anyone knows it, feels it or not!

Anyhow... I think that life is short... and a recent incident made me realise that if I were to go tomorrow, I would have no regrets what at all... But maybe a wish for more time just to spend in my special place! :) Today, I was over taken by emotion, just by having alone time and being in the place I wanted to be in so bad. It made all the difference in what I had been going through these past few days...

Point of the blog... find a space where you belong, a place where you can be you... a place where the world could not seem like a safer place. Live in it as much as you can... Make it live in you more and more each day! Cherish it and be at peace...
<3