Life as I know it | Perspective shifts and wants

I had similar thoughts 10 years ago, and I had penned them down then. Now, I am going to attempt to do the same again. I can clearly see the shift, both in life and in me 😊

A real lasting relationship, any real relationship, requires a lot of tolerance. No one is perfect, but who are you are willing to face disappointments, pains and imperfections with? The real question is whether you are ready to navigate the ups and downs together, because that's just a part of it. 

Loving is recognising that life is precious and limited. We need to make the most of our time with the ones we love and cherish. It may seems like life is long, but it truly is fleeting. 

Crossing the 40 mark really does make you re-evaluate a lot. Life has been lived a fair bit, and we outgrown various versions of the 'self'. I sure as hell am not who I was a year ago even, let alone a decade ago! So, I'm here to pen down a few thoughts I've had, and use it as a medium to lay the ground work for what lies ahead in life and love. 

I am feeling aligned with my inner child, embracing vulnerability and a bright-eyed perspective.       
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I will start with love, because, of course I will... It's me! :D

In any relationship, except the ones you can't change, the want or the desire is simply love. Not the transactional kind, nor one where you have to prove your worth to earn it. I'm talking about real love, where earning it isn't part of the equation, and it doesn't feel like work. It should exist as the baseline for everything we do. 

In my connections, I look for consistency. I want reliability from those who show up for me, just as I do for them. Good morning texts to let you know you're being thought of. Follow throughs that show commitment. I have dealt with many disappointments in life, and I am pretty done with making room for anything less than a resounding FUCK YEAH.  No time for maybes. 

I want emotional intelligence. I seek people who can regulate their emotions, ask questions, read the room, and effectively communicate through troubled waters. I value honesty, those who can hold space for me  when needed, and stand by me when the going gets tough, reminding me that it's okay, and I will always get through. 

I want affection; Physical, emotional and mental. I want to be held, I want to receive hugs and kisses,  to hear 'I'm proud of you', I want it all, without having to ask for it. 

I want Peace. I want to come home to calm energy, not chaos. I want relationships that feel like a safe harbor, not another storm to weather. No drama, no guessing... just the path of least resistance, as I say these days. A home that feels like quiet joy.

I want protection. Physical, emotional and mental. I want to be unmasked with my people, where my vulnerabilities are respected, not mocked or misunderstood. I seek relationships that shield me from unnecessary stress and drama, rather than adding to it. 

I want understanding - specifically of my independence. My independence in not rejection; it is survival. When I finally let my guard down, its a gift, not a given. (This makes me think more about modern relationships, but I'll get back to that later)

I want honesty. No games, no weaponised silence, no pretences. I want clear communication, calling a spade a spade without mincing of words. I grew up constantly second guessing myself, and I refuse to invite that back into my life. 

I want intention. If you're not serious, don't even start. Life is too short for wasting time. I want people who are purposeful in their actions, who know where they are going and want me alongside them. No games, no guessing, just clarity. 

Having stated all my wants as, there are a few more thoughts I have journeyed with over the years. :)

I have always been told that independence is important, and I truly get it. However, I have also seen, how couples who depend on each other, can feel safer taking risks that propel them forward. This definitely helps establish and create a greater sense of security and emotional resilience. We can navigate life alone if that's our path, but biologically, we're not meant to go through this alone. Safe relationships are the foundation of emotional resilience, helping us shift out of fight-or-flight mode and enhance our sense of calmness, security and well being. 

I am someone who cares deeply, but caring deeply can someone be misunderstood as codependency. It is not the same. Wanting a connection, is not codependency. Relationships, in any form, are complex and imperfect, but they are the foundation of and are essential for our growth. 

People with strong relationships, often find their way. Myself included. 

How silly of me!

How silly of me to think I had to earn love, when being me was always enough. 

How silly of me to shrink, when I was born to shine!

How silly of me to downplay my heart, when its the best thing about me.

How silly of me to forget how special I am.

How silly of me to forger I am one of one, and I am amazing! 

How silly of me to see flaws in my body where there was strength and softness. 

How silly of me to feel alone, when love sits quietly in every corner of my life.

How silly of me to forget how far I have come, just because I still have far to go. 

How silly of me to beg for the bare minimum when I am made of galaxies. 

How silly of me to chase things that were never meant to stay. 

How silly of me to think resting meant falling behind. 

How silly of me to forget, that even on my worst days, I am still worth of love. 

How silly of me to forget that I am the love of my life. 

Grief

The past year has been beyond life changing for me. For someone who has dealt with trauma and grief unknowingly in their childhood, and has grown up to understand what goes behind trying to resolve a lot of trauma that we carry, most of which may not even be ours… This past year has just blown things out of proportion for me. With the loss of Akshay, which most didn’t understand,  most still don’t, I found myself lost, faithless, belief-less, heartless, soulless, brainless… the list could go one. Many moons later, when there was a semblance of a breath… and a sneak peek from behind that heavy curtain of shock, you see what lies ahead… Grief… in a whole new form from how I had experienced it before, and nothing like what you could have possibly thought you knew cause you had heard of it. 

The life I had planned, everything that made me feel like myself and the other person who helped me feel whole, gone, just like that. In a blink of an eye. Now what? What about the patient waiting for life to begin? What about the time gone? What about the memories that were to be made? What about, what about, what about…

But then, time moves on, everyone else keeps going, the sun and moon rise and it is what it is. We are still here. For whatever reason it is. So you try to do, bit by bit, what you can do best. Teach yourself to be present in the moment and start to befriend your grief. The more you do that, the more friendly you become, the more you realize that it gives you the time, space and strength to find yourself and your ‘wholeness’ again. Within you. Grief is what is going on, on the inside, while mourning is what we do on the outside. We may stop mourning on the outside, but Grief has its own way and process for your insides. Imagine having a cracked rib. Everything looks perfectly fine on the outside, but there is extreme pain on the inside. Well, THAT is grief. 

It is up to us to take from it what we want and need.  Grief is a process, a journey, with no explainable dimensions and no expiry date.

I read somewhere, the Grief is love with no where to go… So I took from it to be loving and kind to myself first. Put myself first (something he first taught me and showed me) to do whatever it was I needed to do to survive. Most people around me just didn’t understand, still don’t. It is not easy to allow yourself to Grief when you let your head take over. It’s harder to grieve around people who don’t like how grief looks on you. But shattered hearts left behind still beat… so through the grief I was dealing with I still tried to do my level best to keep others happy and accommodate for all the regular shit that one does in life… and I realize that shit just doesn’t work. I did what I had to do, including stopping giving a shit about anyone other than myself and my mental and emotional health. Cause you know what, no one else will give a shit. 

But for the handful of people that showed up in my life at that time, I am so grateful for you. For them and the people’s love and wishes is what kept me afloat. I know it. 

Only I know the magnitude of my loss, and the ones I share this experience with. So I will honor that and them and myself above all. Grief IS a reflection of love, and I am grateful to be on this journey, cause I know what this is matters. The reality is that you will grieve forever. You don’t ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one. You have to learn to live with it. You have to heal and rebuild yourself ‘around’ the loss suffered. I know I will be whole again someday, but I will never be the same. Nor should I be, nor do I want to be. 

People who might think that one can grieve for ‘too long’ or grieve ‘too much’, well everyone is different. Do we want to judge that? So then do we judge people who grieve ‘too little’? Some people want to process and some people want to pretend and keep moving. Both are trying, just different ways that worked for them. One person’s food is another person’s poison. 

Most people don’t even think twice about this, but just because someone carries loss and grief well, doesn’t make it any lighter to carry. I grieve openly and I’m very protective of my process and the process of my loved ones, cause grieving openly might actually save someone else from dying quietly on the inside. 

Love doesn’t dies when the person we love dies, it doesn’t disappear, it remains. 

Here is the truth of it. Grief grabs the heart and doesn’t seem to let go. 

Life gives us pain and our job is to experience it when it comes our way. Avoidance of it has a cost, I have seen this first hand. Having pain seen and seeing the pain in others is needed for the body and soul. There is no forgetting grief.

Meet people grieving where they are, don’t try to cheer up people grieving/depressed. That will just make them feel guilty. Please be conscious of what the other person is going through. Just be there, even silently, keep their feelings company and don’t ask ‘how are you?’ and ‘why don’t you..?’ Every life is unique, no one can take anyone’s place. We’re all one of a kind. So allow the pain to be felt and released and refrain from telling them what to do.

I/we will probably grieve forever. I/we will not ‘get over’ the loss of our loved one. I/we will have to learn to live with it and we will heal and rebuild ourselves around the loss we have suffered. Because what else is there? So please get on board, or get out of the way. 

Thanks.

Never the same without You!

It's been a while, since you've been gone,

My heart is split in two.

One with all the memories of us,

and the other that went with you.

There are times I lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep.

Thinking of our time together, all the beautiful memories...

with tears running down my cheeks. 

Remembering you is easy, 

I do it all the time.

But missing you is heartache,

and strength, I cannot find.

You are a part of me, and a part of me is gone with you.

I know life and time wait for no one, 

but this life for me, will never be the same without you.

Love of my life...

You had my heart from the very first hello,

In your heart, you always know,

There was something different about this ‘hi’,

Something familiar that made us smile… 

The more we spoke, the more we knew,

That ‘we’ were a whole different tune, 

This wasn’t just someone I met,

It was more of a long lost reconnect...

When you know you’ve known someone across lives,

In all the darkness that surrounds you, you’re each other’s light… 

Our love was one for the books, 

The world never really knew what it was, from its looks… 

We loved and lived more than a lifetime, 

and knew there was nothing else really, in any pipeline… 

Things were very real, 

And you needed time to heal… 

I understood what you were and what you needed,

So I patiently waited … and receded...

The one thing I knew, was very clear,

That home was always you… always near…

I waited patiently for you to do what you had too,

For you to come home, where you too, were needed… it's true.

Now I wait to see you again, 

Till then I don’t know what to do with this pain. 

But one thing I know for sure, 

Celebrating you is the only cure… 

For this broken heart can’t possibly feel or see, 

Any other way to be or heal… 

So till my love, we meet again,

I keep you alive everyday… 

Through all the things we did together, and had to do,

All of you, alive with me, through me forever… love of my life… oh how I love you.

Life as I know it.

Was I meant to stay, or was I meant to go?
Now there is an answer I’ll never know.

What was I left behind for?

I’ve been trying to work out all this while.
Trying to find out who I am and whose shoes in, do I walk a mile?

Things I thought were my purpose, clearly were not.
Or was it just not the right time, who knows, at the moment it’s not what I’ve got.

We live life thinking we know it all, have everything under control,
It’s always going as per plan, we think, till it all comes to a stall.

It’s only then we choose the path to ourselves, only then we try to restore our inner shelves...
Realising the clutter and chaos within,  not knowing where to start or how to begin.

And then we see the storm for what it is,
Its much more than what we thought it could ever be...

The chaos within is not just ours, but everyone else's mess, you see.
The burden we carry of generations before us, being more them at times, and being us, less.

Then the journey of unpacking begins, the journey to break patterns and clear all things.
Understanding the lives we've lived, the generational patterns that exist.

Don't know how to start, when to stop and how to give it a rest.
It becomes a repeat cycle, for one to be aware, and life then is a constant test.

There is just so much to take in, to understand and ask from within.
The answers come in different ways, be prepared they said, but how?
This new life is here to stay. And we don't ever get away with our old ways.

Change is the only constant they say, this is true of this new life, of these new ways.
Its what comes from within, change you asked for, change up to restart, to begin.

The path to connecting with yourself is hard, what comes up and out,
its not something in your charge...

But keep walking the line I'd say...
Keep your head above water and keep up the faith.
Trust the good days and the bad, live them like nothing you've ever had.

For faith will take you through and show you,
What's meant for you, will always be there waiting for you. 

In Pursuit.

I can’t move.
I can’t breathe.
Gosh, I feel so weak.

It’s dark and gloomy.
Outside and inside.
Gosh, it makes me so bleak.

My world full of color,
Today seems dark and grey.
I sit tight, I know I have to pray...

Pray through the darkness, pray through the gloom...
Pray away till my darkness starts to bloom.

It’s the last stretch,
Where we tend to lose hope...
Blindly grappling for every last string, every last rope...

I know it’s just a matter of time,
But giving time time, takes time...
I need to find the strength within,
to help lift me up, and restart... begin.

That maybe something for me to do tomorrow,
But for today, I lay here... in my puddle of sorrow.

We have to learn to live it... not just the good, but the bad and the truth of it all...
Without being present, we just can’t process...
And without processing, we just can’t access...

Where we came from, where we are...
Forget where we are going, just to even stay at par,
With who we truly are and the essence of us...

Do you really know you?
Is it someone you trust?
Would you let you in?
Would you be your own best friend?

It’s time to start asking the questions,
To our own hearts and minds...
For answers we could never imagine...
To be our own best friend, in time.

Making me, mine.

When you’re trying hard to be your own best friend,
but feel like you don’t want to be.

It’s hard from time to time, to keep smiling and be happy...
no matter how blessed we be.

Why is it so hard, to face our fears and our demons?
Even when we embark on that journey, it doesn’t always feel fulfilling or healing.

I know I am on the right path, I know I am doing all that I can...
Just to see a glimmer of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, just a sneak peak into my plan.

Days likes these are constant reminders that the path I picked is far from easy.
Keeping me real and grounded, but far from being lemon squeezy.

One step forward, two steps back, is what it feels like from time to time...
but I guess we just have to keep pushing, to be able to really make me, mine...

Things to consider.

In my view... here are a few things I think are important to be clear on before you pick your partner. You think you're ready to spend the rest of your life with someone? Found that someone to grow old with?
Make sure you ask yourself the following questions and have clear answers!

~ Faith.
Do you have faith in each other? You know that no matter what happens, this person will be standing by your side? It doesn't have to be 100%. Anything over 80% works! After all, nothing is absolute. 

~ Distance.

Are you comfortable being away from each other. Do you give each other space? You don't have trouble being away traveling with work or friends even. As long as you both know you're going to be 'home' with each other soon. You are 'home' for each other.

~ Balance.

Are you good at balancing each other out? Be the stronger one when the other is weak? By the chirpy one when the other is down? Can you balance out each other? Are you yin and yang and can you interchange as needed?

~ Sharing.

Is this the person you share everything with? Good, bad, ugly, happy, sad, important and inconsequential. This is the first person you share everything with?

~ Growing together.

We change and grow constantly in life. The challenging part is changing and growing with someone else. Is this the person you want to cherish yourself with? Change and grow with. For better or for worse?

~ Care.

Do you care for this person? More than you care for yourself? No one says we shouldn't lookout for ourselves, but is this the person you're willing to forget yourself for? In the most dramatic way, you willing to put all you have on the line for this person? 

~ Compromise.

Its something we all do at some points in our lives. Some do it more often than others. Not to say you should start something or get into something with someone with a compromise... But if the time comes at some point later in life, are you both willing to compromise? Just being willing is a good start. No matter what the situation, you need to be willing to, to make sure its got the best interests for the both of you. 

~ Choice. 

This person is your person. You picked this person. This person needs to be the one you want to come home to.... No matter how hard your day was. You know this is the person you want to have by your side at night...

Have you asked yourself these questions? Do you have clear answers? Now get talking amongst yourself and make sure you both are on the same page before you head in any direction!

Something going on in my mind, thought of sharing. Hope it helps someone, somewhere...

Head vs Heart... yet again.

Sometimes... I wonder what I'm thinking... That's the thing, maybe I'm not thinking... Maybe I am the person who just goes with a gut feel. I do try and make some sense of things in my head... But mostly I think I'm driven by my gut...

Clearly there are two kinds of people... Head vs Heart... The successful ones are those who can use both, close to equally, to make choices and decisions. But sometimes... I think you just have to go with it... Go with a feeling... No matter what the outcome. Be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.

I think I am also hopelessly optimistic... And that also comes from my gut... When it comes from there I know I have enough to push me enough to see me through any situation... No matter how hard... How I have grown to become this person I don't know. I look back and I know I have worked really hard to be here today... But how do I translate that and use it to help things, situations and people around? Other than lead by example...? I guess patience is still a lesson that hasn't been completed with me...

One thing that I still need to get to being... patient... I think most people think I am very patient... But I know the truth of it... I still have a long way to go....

Anyway, just a rant... Needed to get it out. Currently in a point in life where I don't know exactly where everything is headed. I know where I'd like it to go, but then again... the motto has always been Que Sera Sera...