Love of my life...

You had my heart from the very first hello,

In your heart, you always know,

There was something different about this ‘hi’,

Something familiar that made us smile… 

The more we spoke, the more we knew,

That ‘we’ were a whole different tune, 

This wasn’t just someone I met,

It was more of a long lost reconnect...

When you know you’ve known someone across lives,

In all the darkness that surrounds you, you’re each other’s light… 

Our love was one for the books, 

The world never really knew what it was, from its looks… 

We loved and lived more than a lifetime, 

and knew there was nothing else really, in any pipeline… 

Things were very real, 

And you needed time to heal… 

I understood what you were and what you needed,

So I patiently waited … and receded...

The one thing I knew, was very clear,

That home was always you… always near…

I waited patiently for you to do what you had too,

For you to come home, where you too, were needed… it's true.

Now I wait to see you again, 

Till then I don’t know what to do with this pain. 

But one thing I know for sure, 

Celebrating you is the only cure… 

For this broken heart can’t possibly feel or see, 

Any other way to be or heal… 

So till my love, we meet again,

I keep you alive everyday… 

Through all the things we did together, and had to do,

All of you, alive with me, through me forever… love of my life… oh how I love you.

Life as I know it.

Was I meant to stay, or was I meant to go?
Now there is an answer I’ll never know.

What was I left behind for?

I’ve been trying to work out all this while.
Trying to find out who I am and whose shoes in, do I walk a mile?

Things I thought were my purpose, clearly were not.
Or was it just not the right time, who knows, at the moment it’s not what I’ve got.

We live life thinking we know it all, have everything under control,
It’s always going as per plan, we think, till it all comes to a stall.

It’s only then we choose the path to ourselves, only then we try to restore our inner shelves...
Realising the clutter and chaos within,  not knowing where to start or how to begin.

And then we see the storm for what it is,
Its much more than what we thought it could ever be...

The chaos within is not just ours, but everyone else's mess, you see.
The burden we carry of generations before us, being more them at times, and being us, less.

Then the journey of unpacking begins, the journey to break patterns and clear all things.
Understanding the lives we've lived, the generational patterns that exist.

Don't know how to start, when to stop and how to give it a rest.
It becomes a repeat cycle, for one to be aware, and life then is a constant test.

There is just so much to take in, to understand and ask from within.
The answers come in different ways, be prepared they said, but how?
This new life is here to stay. And we don't ever get away with our old ways.

Change is the only constant they say, this is true of this new life, of these new ways.
Its what comes from within, change you asked for, change up to restart, to begin.

The path to connecting with yourself is hard, what comes up and out,
its not something in your charge...

But keep walking the line I'd say...
Keep your head above water and keep up the faith.
Trust the good days and the bad, live them like nothing you've ever had.

For faith will take you through and show you,
What's meant for you, will always be there waiting for you. 

In Pursuit.

I can’t move.
I can’t breathe.
Gosh, I feel so weak.

It’s dark and gloomy.
Outside and inside.
Gosh, it makes me so bleak.

My world full of color,
Today seems dark and grey.
I sit tight, I know I have to pray...

Pray through the darkness, pray through the gloom...
Pray away till my darkness starts to bloom.

It’s the last stretch,
Where we tend to lose hope...
Blindly grappling for every last string, every last rope...

I know it’s just a matter of time,
But giving time time, takes time...
I need to find the strength within,
to help lift me up, and restart... begin.

That maybe something for me to do tomorrow,
But for today, I lay here... in my puddle of sorrow.

We have to learn to live it... not just the good, but the bad and the truth of it all...
Without being present, we just can’t process...
And without processing, we just can’t access...

Where we came from, where we are...
Forget where we are going, just to even stay at par,
With who we truly are and the essence of us...

Do you really know you?
Is it someone you trust?
Would you let you in?
Would you be your own best friend?

It’s time to start asking the questions,
To our own hearts and minds...
For answers we could never imagine...
To be our own best friend, in time.

Making me, mine.

When you’re trying hard to be your own best friend,
but feel like you don’t want to be.

It’s hard from time to time, to keep smiling and be happy...
no matter how blessed we be.

Why is it so hard, to face our fears and our demons?
Even when we embark on that journey, it doesn’t always feel fulfilling or healing.

I know I am on the right path, I know I am doing all that I can...
Just to see a glimmer of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, just a sneak peak into my plan.

Days likes these are constant reminders that the path I picked is far from easy.
Keeping me real and grounded, but far from being lemon squeezy.

One step forward, two steps back, is what it feels like from time to time...
but I guess we just have to keep pushing, to be able to really make me, mine...

Things to consider.

In my view... here are a few things I think are important to be clear on before you pick your partner. You think you're ready to spend the rest of your life with someone? Found that someone to grow old with?
Make sure you ask yourself the following questions and have clear answers!

~ Faith.
Do you have faith in each other? You know that no matter what happens, this person will be standing by your side? It doesn't have to be 100%. Anything over 80% works! After all, nothing is absolute. 

~ Distance.

Are you comfortable being away from each other. Do you give each other space? You don't have trouble being away traveling with work or friends even. As long as you both know you're going to be 'home' with each other soon. You are 'home' for each other.

~ Balance.

Are you good at balancing each other out? Be the stronger one when the other is weak? By the chirpy one when the other is down? Can you balance out each other? Are you yin and yang and can you interchange as needed?

~ Sharing.

Is this the person you share everything with? Good, bad, ugly, happy, sad, important and inconsequential. This is the first person you share everything with?

~ Growing together.

We change and grow constantly in life. The challenging part is changing and growing with someone else. Is this the person you want to cherish yourself with? Change and grow with. For better or for worse?

~ Care.

Do you care for this person? More than you care for yourself? No one says we shouldn't lookout for ourselves, but is this the person you're willing to forget yourself for? In the most dramatic way, you willing to put all you have on the line for this person? 

~ Compromise.

Its something we all do at some points in our lives. Some do it more often than others. Not to say you should start something or get into something with someone with a compromise... But if the time comes at some point later in life, are you both willing to compromise? Just being willing is a good start. No matter what the situation, you need to be willing to, to make sure its got the best interests for the both of you. 

~ Choice. 

This person is your person. You picked this person. This person needs to be the one you want to come home to.... No matter how hard your day was. You know this is the person you want to have by your side at night...

Have you asked yourself these questions? Do you have clear answers? Now get talking amongst yourself and make sure you both are on the same page before you head in any direction!

Something going on in my mind, thought of sharing. Hope it helps someone, somewhere...

Head vs Heart... yet again.

Sometimes... I wonder what I'm thinking... That's the thing, maybe I'm not thinking... Maybe I am the person who just goes with a gut feel. I do try and make some sense of things in my head... But mostly I think I'm driven by my gut...

Clearly there are two kinds of people... Head vs Heart... The successful ones are those who can use both, close to equally, to make choices and decisions. But sometimes... I think you just have to go with it... Go with a feeling... No matter what the outcome. Be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.

I think I am also hopelessly optimistic... And that also comes from my gut... When it comes from there I know I have enough to push me enough to see me through any situation... No matter how hard... How I have grown to become this person I don't know. I look back and I know I have worked really hard to be here today... But how do I translate that and use it to help things, situations and people around? Other than lead by example...? I guess patience is still a lesson that hasn't been completed with me...

One thing that I still need to get to being... patient... I think most people think I am very patient... But I know the truth of it... I still have a long way to go....

Anyway, just a rant... Needed to get it out. Currently in a point in life where I don't know exactly where everything is headed. I know where I'd like it to go, but then again... the motto has always been Que Sera Sera...

Dear person who I want to grow old with.

They say, the things we regret the most are the ones we didn't do or the things we never said. But sometimes circumstances don't allow us to say what we really need to, when we really want to. Sometimes, we have to be patient and wait for the right time... the right moment. 

I don't know when that might be, but there are a few things I need to say. So putting it out there. Here goes... 

PS: just random musings... I tend to babble in my head and out loud, hopefully getting it out clears my head up! :) 
Not directed to anyone in particular. And if it is, its for me to know and you to find out. :p Maybe not!

---

Dear Person who I want to grow old with,

I know you're scared, so am I. I am know you're jaded, so am I. I know you're cynical, so am I. The difference is that I always try to see the light at the end of the tunnel as an opening, rather than a train coming at me head on. Trust me, getting myself to think of that isn't always easy... But I know if it was, it wouldn't be worth it. 

I don't know what tomorrow has in store for either of us, but I know how I feel today. If there is one thing life and experiences have taught me, is to be driven by love and not fear. I do truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything that doesn't happen also doesn't work because there is a greater plan of action. We must believe however, through it all. The pain, angst and all the emotions we go through when our plans don't work, are meant to teach us things we are yet to learn. Or know and don't really practice. 

I know you don't believe in this and a few more things I believe in. But that's okay. I believe enough for the both of us. 

I know the thought of 'us' scares you. Its something good. Something we both want, but are too scared to accept. I also know that I have more clarity in thought and how I feel more than you. It might be a problem of mine. Clarity of thought and emotion. Scares many away. But again, its a chance I am willing to take. 

So here are a few things I need you to know, about me, and about how I'd like us to be. 

When I'm in, I'm all in. For the long run. The good, the bad, through sickness and health yada yada yada... I'm there. No running, no walking out, no giving up. We both know this is worth fighting for, worth saving, worth having. I promise to love you, even when I hate you. We all need someone, to be able to give us that bit of strength, support, peace... A little bit of beauty or a ray of hope midst all the darkness. Just when its needed the most. 

As for hugs! I am a tree hugging hippie... But I don't think those are for nothing. They are not meant to make you feel better. They are meant to remind us of the support/pillars we have in our lives. Something or someone to fall back on. Reminders. 

I know you and I are more than what meets the eye... I know it because I feel it. I know you feel it too. However scared you might be to admit it. Yes there are times I am confused, and I don't always and won't always know what is on your mind... Which is why actions must also be accompanied with communication. Maybe not a lot, but enough to get through. 

I am right here right now. And I intend to be in case you'd like otherwise. At the risk of scaring you, I can't wait for our life to begin. We are currently getting a slight preview, not everyone is lucky enough to have, but I am sure we will make life better than we think we will, together. 

I currently have multiple universes existing, side by side... I can't wait for it to be one. 

We are both strong individuals, with aspirations and goals. We make up for each other's losses in ways we never thought we could. Together, we are stronger and better.

I know we are both in for one hellova ride... and all I can say is that I cannot wait. Bring it on :p and oh, 'Cowabunga Duddeee'!!!

I meant it when I said "bachu, you're gone". Here's the other thing which I didn't bet on... So am I. 

Yours, patiently... 
Waiting to start growing up and old with you! 

Looking around

I look around, what is it I see...
The world the way I want it to be.
Smiles, love, compassion, gratitude and more...
All of what I want and need.

But life has its ways to test us all,
To push us enough, to make us fall.
So what is it that one must do,
To constantly remember to not change our view?

Remind ourselves to stand again,
Put on a smile and get back in the game.
Along with joy, there will always be sorrow.
Just know that there will be a brighter tomorrow.

No matter what tomorrow holds,
Don't stop, just try and be bold.
That one little step today,
You know will take you a long long way!

I feel...

For once in my life…

… I leave worry behind.

… I truly go with the flow.

… I’m not scared.

… I don’t worry about tomorrow.

… I know something is going right.

… I feel needed.

… I know I’m missed.

… I know the meaning of aching for someone.

… I feel taken care of.

… I feel thought of.

… I feel alive.

… I feel.

Smile

Its one of those days, when I've been thinking back over the last seven or eight years. Going through my photos on Facebook, trying to feel something about the journey I've made.

The one thing that has been constant, has been me smiling.

Smiling through all experiences.
Smiling through all my travels.
Smiling through all the times spent with loved ones... and others.
Smiling through the misunderstandings.
Smiling through the mistakes.
Smiling in success and in failure.
Smiling with family and friends.
Smiling no matter what the situation.
Smiling no matter what the emotion it was that I really felt.
Smiling through the sorrows along with the joys.
Smiling cause its all that I could really do.

But through it all, when I look back today... It is the one thing that stayed, didn't changed and no matter how hard I thought it was at that time, it is the one thing that pulled me through. Gave me more strength than I could imagine.

Smile through it all... Celebrate life and try not to pay heed to anything that gets you down. Its hard, but it helps... and try to be there, smiling for others, for everyone has an ongoing battle of their own.

Smile through it all...